You haven’t read that, bro, so don’t put it in your dating profile.
Justine Zwiebel/BuzzFeed
"Tuesdays With Morrie doesn't actually like to read."
"Best friends with his mom."
"Thinks it says something about his emotional depth, which he does not have."
"Knew somebody distantly who died once and now he really understands ~mortality~."
"Thinks that all ladies like Oprah."
"Fight Club just, like, really understands the struggle, man."
"Douche fucking alert."
"Hasn't actually read the book but believes he can pass it off like he has because of the movie."
"Edward Norton's depression without Brad Pitt's abs."
"Bedside anarchist."
"So over consumerism, so over society, so over being an actual pleasant human being."
"Is a mansplainer."
"Tao Te Ching was a business major in college."
"Also doesn't actually read."
"But at least he tried?"
"Has used the word 'Oriental' or phrase 'East-meets-West' in actual unironic conversation."
"Was one of those guys who wore suits to class presentations."
"Has a tattoo of a Japanese character, thinks it says 'freedom,' actually says 'soap.'"
"On the Road has never actually done drugs."
"I actually think there is something kind of cute and earnest about liking this book."
"But in sort of a puppy-dog way."
"Constantly misses the point. Probably lives in Colorado."
"Drunk."
"Is more likely to puke in your bed than impress you in bed."
"This guy doesn't understand why Into the Wild is a horror story."
Justine Zwiebel/BuzzFeed
Into the Wild is white and wealthy.
"Has a victim complex where he thinks he has problems but they're 100% self-made."
"Loooooves nature, but actually nature = weed."
"Lots of polar fleece."
"Has probably never actually been camping."
"Cannot grow a beard. Wishes he could grow a beard."
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People uses SO MANY HASHTAGS."
"Good relationship with his dad. Knows what the Six Sigmas are."
"Will ask you earnestly if you're realllllllly thinking about your personal brand enough."
"Was really into his frat."
"Will give you a Sharper Image gift card as a month anniversary gift."
"Still wears his frat shirt when running in the park."
"The Hobbit will probably take you on lots of fun adventures."
"Awwwwww. Lovvvvvve it."
"Like, I would go to second base with him."
"Truly likes reading and would be chill reading for an entire weekend with me."
"He definitely goes down."
"But also maybe wants credit for it?"
"Lord of the Rings would probably spend at least $70 on a replica ring."
"Loves Reddit."
"Masturbated to the Lady of Rohan character."
"There are definitely some fetishy undertones."
"Smells bad."
"Musty."
"Which is not necessarily bad, IMO."
"Big feet."
"Yes, some big penis action. But maybe didn't kiss a girl until the age of 22."
"Infinite Jest is a self-identified feminist who mansplains feminism at you."
"Fake deep."
"I want it and I HATE that I want it."
"Pissed when I ask him questions about it and/or avoids them entirely."
"Tells me race isn't real."
"This guy actually just read Consider the Lobster in comp class and puts Infinite Jest down instead."
"Mad at his parents for being rich."
"Calls soccer football, but is American."
"THIS IS THE KIND OF GUY WHO THINKS FINGERING IS JACKHAMMERING."
"The Catcher in the Rye stopped reading after high school."
"Is still 13."
"I'm actually on board with this being sort of endearing?"
"My type :( "
"It's a good book and I liked it. I want him to read more but I can show him some books."
"~Show him some books~."
"You guys."